​I made a mistake
I am in a tailspin
It was compounded
When someone else must explain
Makes me feel like a kid
With my hand in the cookie jar
They refuse to understand
No forgiveness
How can I forgive myself
What else am I doing wrong
It feels like drowning in a pit
Of ineptness
My heart hurts
That child shrivels under scrutiny
That expectation
Put your arms around that child
And whisper – “you are enough”
You are perfect.
One mistake does not change that
In the huge universe, where your light shines
This small shadow can barely be seen.
YOU aren’t invisible
They are

An aside
I had read a post by Andrea Schroeder with Creative Dream Incubator this morning while I was struggling.
She was talking about struggling with resistance.  Hers was about a project.
But I think it might apply to many struggles.
It means it is time to slow down and honor how we are feeling (as Andrea points out).  For as many rounds as that takes.  OH and does it take some rounds…
I had hoped writing ^^^ that poem(?) would get it all out.  Nah, my thoughts still kept going round- worrying at it. Holding those imaginary arguments in my head.  I was pretty frustrated by that.  But I realize my highly developed need to fight for myself has taught me some not so helpful habits.  And I can forgive myself for that too.
Back to allowing.  Back to loving myself, regardless.  Just….love.
 
(and love for those people, who don’t know any better than I did...do?.....did.  I’ll get there on that…..but probably not today….)

I've really been struggling lately.  Interactions with people have just left me feeling so irritated.  It just kept piling up.  I knew I was feeling cranky and needed an attitude adjustment.  But how?
I was delving into it.  I know I can't change other people, only my response.  But it somehow felt like by not reacting I was just shriveling up and shrinking back into a hole that says I don't matter.  
I suddenly realized, that shriveled up, holed up me needed to be offered love.
If other people aren't doing it (and oh boy are they NOT), I can offer it to myself.
I know, we are told to love ourselves, all the time.  I've even posted about it.  Somehow, it feels very different to say "give love to yourself".  Like, instead of just default to "love yourself" (which we don't....it's closer to abuse really, what we do to ourselves), it feels like it's an act in a moment.  Or maybe it's because loving yourself feels like you should have always felt that way or always do.  And offering love to yourself acknowledges that there is a hurt inner you that needs something from the mindful self.  Hell, it's probably as simple as that actually acknowledging that hurt inner you.  The wounded self. 
​Took me awhile to get there.
Still practicing.  
Me:  How long do we have to do this?!
Me:  Always.  Lean into it.

While reading an article on doubt today, I realized, I've somehow let the unhappy me become more real that the happy me.  I'm not alone in this habit of remembering the failures and not the successes, it's become a standard in society.  
It made my mind go back to all the crappy things I've believed about myself for so long....from my childhood, that I was uncomfortable socially from a few missteps, and unseen by parents in the times I needed understanding.  Which completely dismisses that on the whole, growing up I was pretty blessed. 
My marriage ended in divorce, a failure.  At least that is what society has labeled it.  And I judge myself for that relationship, not just how it ended, but getting into it in the first place and staying in it.  Instead of looking at the positives from that time.
What feels worse is that when you go to therapy, they dig to find what's "wrong" with you.  I was shocked when I first went to therapy for depression and was told I had a dysfunctional family growing up. Wow, I thought we were pretty normal.  Of course I understand some of that dynamic now, but it still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth for what I thought was a fairly happy childhood.
It makes me have to ask myself, would it be better to be blissfully unaware?  Does it help to know the issues with my father, husband and trauma inducing incidents?  It's supposed to help me alleviate my own blame, but it just changes it to judging myself in a different way.  I feel like we aren't really shown  how to heal.
You know the super crazy thing about it all?  I've known who I was all along.  It was when I was held up to the yardstick of society, albeit the community, friends, family, or a therapist, that I seemed to fall short. 

I finished! I did miss 3 days, but I feel pretty good about keeping up.
I received my 2nd COVID-19 vaccination yesterday and felt great until about 2 hours ago. Now I'm hitting a wall and the floor, lol.  So I'm pulling out some recycled stuff.
Each Red Thread Circle has an inquiry, one I held when I first starting was around "Perfectionism".
I definitely suffer from this malady and I've noticed SO many painters in my workshops being SO hard on themselves, I really wanted to share some gentle thinking with them.
Why, dear one, would you expect yourself to perfectly do something that you’ve never done?
Can you allow yourself to just experience the act, and not anticipate the outcome?
Before you belittle what you bring to the table, ask yourself if you would tell a child the same.
When you notice what your neighbor has done, as you applaud it, can you give that also to yourself?
Denying yourself that reward does nothing to move you forward, indeed it can make you stuck.
And assuming you will fail in advance, only makes you experience the failure twice!
Why not expect great things?!? And Celebrate twice!
Even if you consider it a failure, your attempt was magnificent in its honoring of you by trying!
What if….
What if….. you let all those thoughts, just fall away.
And enjoyed the moment?
And in that moment you saw all that you are….all the possibility.
As you let go of all that is considered wrong or not wanted, be in awe of all that amazing potential.
Can you see that you are not the action, but the potential?
You are not the words, but the intention.
You don’t have to be different, do more. 
You just have to be.
Take a deep breathe, let it all go.                     
Allow……..Be.

Be gentle with yourselves!
​~deb♥

For me, the Red Thread is a symbol of the connection we all have to each other deep down in the energy that is our soul.  Red threads have a symbolic energy meaning and recur throughout our physical world: blood vessels, DNA, fibers in our food and clothing; from fractals & nanotechnology to images of far galaxies. 
The Red Thread is used in circle as a reminder to tend that inner connection and thereby our neighbors. 
The Red Thread circle creates a space, or container, for compassion and allowing, for self and one another.  In that space you can feel a sense of belonging, witnessed and supported, as well as offering that to others.   You carry that Red Thread from the circle as a reminder that you have that support and as your piece to live every day with compassion. 
​If we could cultivate this type of interaction with others and model it for our children, maybe we wouldn’t be seeing some of the violent and hopeless happenings going on with our youth or the negative climate splattered all over the news.
Creativity is a way of expressing yourself as individual and can be beneficial in helping create space for compassion by becoming present and being mindful.   My goal is to develop a program based around Red Thread Circles and using art activities to reinforce those compassionate connections first to self and then to others.  I am currently holding monthly Circles at my artist cooperative and looking at branching out to offer them in the work place, social groups etc.  It’s great support for those in especially stressful fields.
(my training for Red Thread Guide is through Shiloh Sophia at Musea.org)

A couple of summers ago I spent the summer training to be a Red Thread Circle Guide.
The creates a container of safety, allowing and compassion.  Those who enter in to the circle know and agree to these terms and offer them to their fellow circle members.
As a founding member of the artist cooperative in my little town, I get frustrated when the "business" overtakes the creativity.  So when I had the chance to hold a circle for my fellow members, I felt called to right this poem for them.  I feel it deeply in my heart as my belief is that creativity is the expression of your very soul, your essence delivered and transformed into the physical.
For all the beloved creatives out there, don't forget.
My Creative Beloveds
 
You, dear one, were born a creative soul
Your soul craves that expression.
It’s an expression of joy and beauty
Of truth.
Your truth.  Of where you are
And where you are from
It began as a baby creating sounds of joy
A coo and gurgle, meaningless but full of feeling.
As the child grew, expression came through sheer joyous movements.
A dance of abandon
Then one day a pencil found its way into your hand
It became a tool for that expression.
Sometimes joyous, sometimes painful
But always beautiful.
You put your hands in clay and pushed your soul into it
It’s there, in that pot.
As you pushed pigment across a canvas
Your dream came to life for others
Your spark lives in your mark.
Be fearless in your sharing of it
This is your world
You belong here
Be fierce in your belonging

A couple of years ago I was commissioned to some artwork. She told me the colors in the room and then gave me free reign.  I'd seen an image of an old door with stone stairs leading down.  So I began creating my world on canvas.  Interestingly, in the midst of it's creation, I read a newsletter from Nikol Rogers.  It was about tending the moss.  I've always been struck by this synchronicity and I felt like it lead me to some answers of why I was drawn to the deep mossy areas of the steps. I was inspired to write about it while I was working.
 
The door is not what you think.
We are told all our lives that when one door closes, another opens.
Is it an obstacle or a possibility?  that door
Must we search for the key?  is the key what is needed?
Or is what is needed, the key?
That way may lay wondrous mysteries; our brain likes to think about those prospects, in bright shiny glowing images with a trill of music, always looking forward.
 
And yet my feet hesitate….my hand falls to my side
I am drawn to the depths…
Down there is the cool.
Is it ominous?  That dark?
Or is it simply peace.
The mosses have consumed.
They come to disturbed sites, stabilize, and make space for new growth.
Quietly, slowly, firmly.  Not active, yet steady.  It beckons
Possibly my soul is seeking to not seek.
 To just…..Be

I had a busy weekend, cleaning up my yard to hopefully seed some grass and cleaning out my back cabinet that has just been accumulating more and more things since I moved into this house (6 years ago?). They are offering Spring Clean-up in my town this Thursday, you put your stuff out on the curb and they pick it up. It's nice, I missed it last year; loaded up a bunch of stuff to put out, then looked around wondering why no one else had stuff out.....found the flyer and I was a day late. This year, while I should have done more than  just the cabinet, I'm 3 days early!

• I apparently bookmarked a website "how to cut brownies"....
• I have a callus developing on my finger that I have no idea why....
• I'm frustrated that my monthly painting challenge garnered ZERO interest...
• Is that a callus on my thumb too? Did those two digits get together on something?
• Someone or something took off with my grill brush...
• Technical difficulties are still plaguing me, just in a different area now.... 

I think that's all I have for today.  I'm a little strung out from an allergy attack yesterday, brain isn't firing on all synapses.
​Holding space for that healing...♥

snapped this with my phone a few years ago.  Zoomed in, cropped a bit and added sunspots with a filter, turned out pretty cool!

I got a late start on my day this morning, and ended starting late on my blog. So short it is.
Got a few things started today, finished a couple.
My car is in peices while trying to figure out my no sound stereo.
I want some more chocolate. 
And I happilyg just discovered the Masked Singer has been back for 7 episodes, so I have bingeing ahead!
I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend!

It feels like it's been a super long week. Possibly because I had to recover from my busy weekend and it took pretty. much. all. week.
I think I'm there.
I dipped my toe into my new venture: airbrush tattoos. I thought it might be a way to make some extra cash this summer.  Time will tell.  Even for free, I only had 3 customers....that doesn't bode well, however, it was limited exposure at our art cooperative, I'm REALLY hoping festivals will be better attended since they are out doors.  Our city is planning on some additional maker's markets too, so fingers crossed.
I've tried to come up with designs that will appeal to adults as well since I really enjoyed getting an airbrush tattoo years ago.
Keeping myself entertained, I did one on myself last Saturday. The tattoo looked really cool, my photography, not so much.
Have a fantastic weekend bloggy groupies!