I wrote a completely different blog. I chickened out on posting it.
It was a rant about social media. I am going to save it for after the 30 days is finished. I just don't want to put something so volatile out there in this public of forum. (the group)
So picking a more safe topic, I've been thinking about developing a practice that I share with a membership on art journaling as a way of holding myself accountable. I realized years ago that art was healing for me. And I have a firm belief that creativity is the essence of the soul. Since then I've looked for a good way to share that with others. I've realized that for it to be truly beneficial it needs to be a practice, likely a daily one.
I'm not good about a daily practice. I do art often for sure. And I know a daily practice would benefit me in the mindfulness area. But I am having a hard time making it a practice. EVEN though I KNOW it would be good for me. AND I know it would be good for other people! And I know that if I have people depending on me, I'm more likely to do it.
BUT - that just further proves and abets the fact that I am better at taking care of other people than I am at taking care of myself. I'll do it for someone else, but not for me. So if I put myself in the position of "having" to take care of my members, am I actually hamstringing myself? And not taking care of myself?
Or am I buying into psychobabble, and I would actually be in service to others, which is a legitimate calling....Does a calling have to have a clear and concise syllabus? Cuz mine doesn't!
Interesting how I can flip flop on all this. Maybe it's just fear. Likely it's just fear. Did I say I picked a safe topic? I meant for the reader in general, I'm never safe. Am I ever safe? I feel safe doing art. Mostly.
Ok, I feel safe just being creative. With no end goal. And that's why all the above.
holding space for my ramblings....
(Really day 17 for me, but who's counting. Wait.....IS someone counting? O_o)
Yes, my humor is an acquired taste, but I digress, again. I did miss blogging over the weekend. I was doing airbrush tattoo demonstrations on Saturday at my artist cooperative, and spending much needed time with my daughters that evening for my oldest daughter's birthday. I'm not going to try to say I didn't have the time, but I didn't have the energy. And that's ok.
I was overwhelmingly grateful for all the responses to my last post on "Take a deep breath, and forgive yourself everything"! It really resonated.
And most of us forget! We forget to offer ourselves that forgiveness on a regular basis. We drop back into our old habits and before we know we are buried deep in that pile of yuck. Hey, you can forgive yourself for that too.
What I've discovered is that I have to take that breath and forgive myself many times a day.
We are such goal oriented, linear thinking creatures, that we think once we've learned something, we've reached our goal and that's it! We should be happy, at peace, whatever. The truth is, life isn't really linear. It's a cycle. Things are going to come back around and you are going to need to deal with them again and again and again. It feels like that forgiveness didn't really work, because I keep ending up back here. It did work. But you have to keep doing it. It has to become a habit and practiced every day.
I call that "Rinse & Repeat".
I'm considering developing and offering that practice to a membership. I find it helps to have support and for me, accountability. But that is another post.
(above is from my first art showing almost 5 years ago)
For a long time now, my mantra has been:
Take a deep breath, and forgive yourself everything.
I'm not even sure where I found the image, but it still really resonates with me.
Now this doesn't mean forgiveness for some big mistake in your past (although that needs to be included). To me, it means forgive yourself for all the things you think you are falling short in, or even for the thought thinking that you ARE falling short. Forgive yourself for all those things you beat yourself up about all day long. Because guess what? Beating yourself up doesn't help. All it does is keep you stuck. Stuck in feeling like someone who deserves to be beaten up. Would you do that to your friend! Never! But you are your BEST friend and you treat you like SHIT!
Just like forgiveness for someone who wronged you is about freeing yourself, so is this. You are doing it for you, so you can let go and move forward.
So take a deep breath in.........
breathe in forgiveness.....
and blow out all the shit. Let it all go.
ALL of it! You don't have to hold onto one single thing. All you have to do is just be.
That's it. Be.
I sit here listening to the tires on wet pavement swishing by. We have rain that will likely turn to snow later as it cools down and will continue in to Friday. We always get snowstorms late in the spring, hopefully this is the last one. Chilly rain makes me want to snuggle up with a good book and a fluffy blanket. It also makes me feel slower, more calm and a bit introspective. I do love the sound of rain on the roof and the fresh scent after. Of course this may be of the more frozen sort. Can you smell frozen?
I don't have much to say today. I had a fabulous post on Facebook saved to use as a prompt, only to find it "unavailable" any longer for reasons only known to the universe.
I actually really love a bad Dad joke, but I love a bad pun even badder.
I don't purport to be any good at making one, but I can spot one a smile away.
Here are a few I found:
Sorry to start where it hurts, but this one really made me laugh:
I have no excuse, Wacky Wednesday?
Tuesday Bluesday, anyone else have more issues with Tuesday than they do with Mondays?
I don't know why, but Tuesday is the day I want to crawl in a hole and stay there.
Maybe Monday traumatized me.
April painting challenge by Deb Montgomery
I'm stoked to be in a group of such creative people!
So I thought I would share a project I have tried to roll out as a painting workshop to less enthusiasm in my community.
I found some 3D barn quilt wood cutouts that just really sparked something in me.
I love the possibilities!
3D refers to the fact that there are 12 of the diamond shapes that can be added to the flat base, that already has the pattern laser etched into it.
So the grey one I actually painted, and used tissue paper for the patterned pieces.
The others I have designed digitally. I am in love the with idea I came up with on the sunflower quilt:
I filled the whole background with the image, then added the colored shapes on top.
Oh man! This is such a super fun idea! I so wish I had some interest from people!
I might end up just painting them all myself and trying to sell them as finished pieces.
A barn quilt, what the heck?
From what I can find on it: 20 years ago, Donna Sue Mills, of Ohio, decided to honor her mother by painting a quilt on her barn.
Neighbors loved the idea and it spread in rural communities to become a popular sight along "barn trails". Some are in honor of loved ones, others for decoration and community interest in adding to the barn trail. If you ever visit Northeast Colorado, you will find some along US Highway 6!
Well, I start ALOT of texts, messages and sentences with that word. I'm trying to break myself of the habit. Although, if I am honestly putting my thoughts down, yeah, that's how many start. After a crazy rampage of OTHER thoughts...I can settle and start at well.
Betcha didn't need to know all that did ya?
Oh! And there would be many more curse words.
so many more.
Which I guess brings me to todays subject. Er, yesterdays topic, since I am a day behind as I was getting ready to state earlier, starting with "well".... Well, about 11:00 last night I realized I forgot to blog, and I was going to do it right then. Snacking happened, then sleep happened.
Fast forward to today. We will call this day 11, part one, since I intend to get actual day 11 in later.
Where were we? Oh yeah, my topic! That showed up amidst my ramblings.
How much do we edit? Speaking for myself, I know I have at least 10 other thoughts related to the one sentence I actually get out. And those are the coherent ones. Throw in the feelings and I am almost at overload. Is that an introvert thing?
We edit cursing (to some extent), we edit harmful words (to some extent),
we edit shadow thoughts, we edit and edit and edit until one has to wonder.....does anyone ever really see our true selves? Hell, do WE even see it?
How much harm does editing actually do? What if we are robbing others by doing so? Robbing them of their full experience? And shorting ourselves.
Then I start thinking, what would that look like? Everyone just saying whatever.
My mind reacts in a kind of horror at the thought. Imagine the battles what would ensue. And why, over some words? Do my words always reflect my intentions, my feelings? Not at all. I filter. I edit. And it gets further filtered when it comes to actions.
Sometimes I think it a lack in our language. But in reflecting on it, I think it more likely that in our development we are taught language, we are taught action and reaction. What I feel like we aren't taught, or what is taught right out of us, is compassion.
Through a filter of compassion, either upon leaving the brain or being received, I believe our communications would actually be more effective. At present it doesn't allow for.........more. The true expansiveness that is the self.
Friday dance! Yas! YAASSS!!! Even though it means I have a long day ahead of me since I have my painting workshop tonight! And amazeballs I have 8 people! That's huge for me right now!
I've gone from having sometimes 20 people and doing 2 classes a week, to either canceling events or having one or 2 people. I've been SUPER frustrated.
Something what frustrates me more is the dissonance between marketing and allowing. I've struggled to lean into the belief that if you do something of value, the right people will be drawn to that. That you shouldn't have to kill yourself trying to attract your people.
Marketing teaches you that you do have to work yourself, it feels like to death, posting twice a day, emailing once a week, replying to comments, creating new content, AND still feel like creating new art.
I firmly believe art is created for the sake of creating art, so creating so I have things to sell or things that WILL sell....they just don't fit. I find myself in that argument in my head quite often.
Still, I'm glad it's Friday! I can chose to have gratitude for the super cool 8 people painting with me tonight. Gratitude for the things on my "to do" list this weekend.
and gratitude for this outlet keeping me semi-sane.
Holding compassionate space